Holiday Contemplation.

I feel as if I am overflowing with thoughts. 

So many things to think about, contemplate. I want to tell someone all of my thoughts. I long to have a friend who I can sit next to for hours and talk about everything. About everything going on in my life and theirs. About the meaning of life, about their beliefs and about mine. I want to talk about heartache and sentimental thoughts. About triumphs and failures. Maybe I am expecting too much. I feel as if I am so full of emotion, of life, and of stories. I want to share them with someone. 

I know I have friends I can talk to. And on the surface I feel like we have connections, similar interests. But I don't feel like anyone knows me or I know them. I want to have a deep connection with someone, doesn't everybody? I want to feel as if I know someone inside and out. I miss having a deep connection with someone. Having someone to share my life with.

I feel as if this Christmas isn't everything I was expecting. Maybe I need to learn to have less expectations. It would lead to less disappointment and more excitement. I find myself missing my dad more than ever imaginable this Christmas. I miss having him around, and how he could brighten a room with smiles and laughter. I feel like a huge part of my life is still missing. I hate that I let myself still get this upset after my dad has been dead for over two years, but I suppose I have to accept the fact that I will always carry this feeling with me. I feel as if I should be stronger and not let the thoughts of him overtake me any more. I have been having flashbacks to his accident and it still manages to overwhelm me and take my breath away. I wish I didn't feel so empty. I wish I could have someone to talk to about my father to. I want to tell them all about him, about his faults and his personality. About how when I was a kid I would hold his pinky finger when I walked with him and call him "Big Guy". I still can't believe he's gone. I can't believe that he will never see me get married,  be able to walk me down the isle. I can't believe I won't get to share my life experiences with him.

You know what I want this Christmas? Something simple, inexpensive and wonderful. All I want is someone to share my day with. Do something cute. Cuddle up and watch Christmas movies with. Someone to remind me that I can have a deep connection with someone else. That's all I ask for.